*Disclaimer: If you came to look at the pics, scroll on down. I haven't blogged in a while and I have A LOT to say!
Let me start off by saying that I LOVE being a mommy. But it doesn't mean that I'm not tired either. Exhausted at times. My almost 11 month old and almost 2.5 year old are both very active, keeping me on my toes. They are such a joy to me, they bring me tears of laughter, but also tears of sorrow and frustration. The transition from one child to two has been much harder on me than going from zero to one. And that's coming from someone who taught 30+ students for 6 years (in a public school sytem!) prior to having any kids of my own! Boy, I had NO idea what having your own children meant. Perhaps this is also due to the fact that my hubby's position changed at work requiring more hours of him at work, so that meant that a little more was required of me at home. I am blessed to have a hard-working man in my life who is now the sole provider for our family. Because of him, I can stay home and raise our two little ones. Being a homemaker has given me opportunities to grow as a mommy, but also to go down on bended knee praying and asking God to help me, because sometimes, I just don't know what I'm doing.
When Matt first started his new position, I was on survival mode. Jeremiah was about 4 months and Kylie was a couple months shy of turning 2. Matt's schedule was so demanding that I sometimes had the babies 5 or 6 days in a row straight, all day, all night. That may not be a big deal to some, but it was to me. Nursing a little one 8+ times a day, providing meals for us (both the shopping and preparation), cleaning our home, bath time, bedtime, the list goes on. Normal mommy duties I know, but I was having trouble doing all of this and figuring out a routine that worked best for us. We went from a family of four in which daddy had an awesome schedule of him being home by 3 or 4 in the afternoon to almost barely seeing him. While I thought I was drowning, let me assure you that my heart ached even more for daddy. He was working SO hard, staying late at work, barely getting any sleep, and then having to go back to work on minimal sleep. One day we said hi and bye after him waking up and then having to go back to work. The last 7/8 months have been trying on our family to say the least.
There are times when I still feel lost in this mommy business. Times when I feel like I'm failing. Every day I vow to be more patient, to begin the day with a smile on my face for my babes, only to sometimes be frustrated and angry as I wake up to my daily alarm, "MOOOOOOMMMMMMY! MOOOOOMMMMMY!" While it may sound cute as you read this, it is NOT cute to wake up to it EVERY DAY as my toddler screams it at the top of her lungs in a "Hurry up and GET ME" tone at an hour I'm not ready to wake up.
At the risk of sounding selfish, (I'm discovering I'm more selfish than I once thought) I didn't realize that being busy with 2 little ones would mean almost NO time to do anything I like to do. Rarely do I EVER go out with a girlfriend and just have one-on-one time, read a book (my favorite pastime), sit down and watch a show I like without interruption, talk to my husband during the day without a little one wanting something, making dinner without a baby pulling on my pant leg. I realize I sound like I'm on a complaint fest here, but I want you to know that I wouldn't have it any other way. As a matter of fact, we still want MORE kids to continue pulling on our pant legs, cry at the most inopportune time, play Legos with rather than do laundry. I am simply telling you what I have learned as I stepped into the role of mommy. It has been an experience for me.
I've had to learn a new normal. And I'm learning learning that life isn't about me anymore. I am realizing this more and more. That doesn't mean that I don't struggle with it still. I do. Lots. But I am enjoying playing with my little ones, reading the same books OVER and OVER AND OVER, running and chasing a baby up the stairs every 5 minutes. I am in prayer daily for patience and for God to help me see my children as He sees them. I want my babies to feel loved, secure, and them knowing that they are more important than my housework.
Living in prayer and staying in God's Word has given me strength. That's not to say that I didn't lose it yesterday (Or today!), but I AM trying to make changes. To give grace to my children when they need it. Just as HE has done for me.To be more patient (this is happening rather slowly...). Patient like HE is with me. Prayerfully, I am asking Him to help me be a better mommy each day as I stumble through the journey of motherhood. I trust Him and I believe that He will do a mighty work in me, even if it's slow.
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." Psalm 37: 23-24
|Love this one!|
|And this one!|
|My sweet blessings.|